Question:
This week’s question is from a mum who has cornered herself with constant worry about her 6 year old son. He loves to sit with his iPad, and she constantly tries to figure out new ways to entertain him or for him to entertain himself as she is afraid of him not being seen and met properly in his needs. And she herself is now lacking energy to meet her own needs in her daily life. So what can she do to move on in a better way?

Answer:
Dear brave mum.
First of all I want you to breathe and relax concerning the iPad – all is well!
Maybe the iPad is a kind of escape, but maybe it is not. Remember, that kids are now born into this digital life. So iPads are the modern toys. So instead of controlling the evolution and spend all your energy distracting him, you should remember, that happy parents “create” happy kids. So let us focus a bit on you instead.

You talk about being constantly worried on his behalf – what is that all about?
My guess is, that it is about you and I have several suggestions where you can look.

  1. Are you trying to be the perfect mum?
  2. What are/were your expectations to your own mum? Does/did she meet these expectations?
  3. Were you met and seen properly with your needs as a child? If not – what did you miss?
  4. Is there any need for worry or is it an idea of “how things should be”, that you are practicing?

We always have to look within to find the answers when life is not, what we would like it to be. And we have to remember, that we having had some bad experiences in our own childhood makes it our experiences – not our children’s! And often we forget that. We try hard to protect them from that kind of hard times, and meanwhile we totally forget, that we are not our parents – we are totally different adults with another set of parents than our parents had. So why worry so much?

Taking leadeship in the family is all about involving everybody while the adults are keeping the responsibility.
So try to imagine how the perfect family life looks like for you. By doing that, you can easily find out where to correct your course right now. And then you will be able to balance both you and your child’s needs properly.

And please, please remember, that your children already have the perfect mum. When we are loving and caring parents there is no more to strive for – we are already there. It is not a competition – it is a life to be lived precisely as you wish it to be lived!

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