If you follow me on social medias you know that I have been occupied with our life stories. Mainly because I don’t myself have had a horrible childhood with adults assaulting me or doing other kind of horrible things to me. On the contrary. My childhood was actually okay – alcoholic father whom my mother at the age of 24 left because of all the insecurities for herself and her two daughters (me and my sister). It was mainly the uncertainty due to alcohol and the lack of money that made her leave.
This was a very sensible choice from my mother. And from then on, my mother handled her money out of fear and lack to make sure that we always had food and clothes and a decent living even though we did not at all get what we could wish for when it comes to toys and materialistic stuff. But we were loved and taken care of in a very respectful manner and my mother really did her best with what she had.
So from that point of view it would seem strange that I myself in my adult life should fuck up my finances over and over again, right? But nevertheless, this is what happened. And trust me, I have a lot of explanations on that topic as I have studied exactly that for the last 10 years over and over and over again.
I actually love money – really. I love money, but I have been ashamed to admit it, and now that I have studied the topic and my feelings around it for so long I confidently call myself an expert on the topic of money and feelings. For me it has been very traumatic always having to deal with money from my common sense, as I really consider money as the most funny playmate in the world. Who on earth ask friends to play out of common sense? Well, not me. I ask my friends to play because I want to have fun!
For me it has been like getting a beautiful doll for Christmas and my mother saying, “don’t play with it until you are really bored, so it will last longer!” WTH?!?
So here I am as an adult realizing that I actually feel sorry for the adults around me who have been victimized as kids. But I put this money-thing upon myself as an adult, so do I deserve the same kind of attention and care as my fellow adults when I should have known better?
Hell yes, I do! Because this was actually a little girl’s feelings within me sabotaging my handling of my finances. And if I don’t take care of her, she will never stop so I, the adult, can take over.
So, you see, you don’t have to have a horrible childhood to make strange conclusions and stories that sabotage your adult life. And for me it was clearly one of the areas I needed to look into to be able to create the life I really wanted and for me to be able to live my truth.
Where do you tell yourself “I ought to know better”, and you do, but you just can’t stop the sabotage?