I had a great question from a bold and beautiful mother, and I have summoned it up here:
The mother is divorced and is living with her two boys abroad. Now, the youngest one of them, aged 15, would like to spend his last teenage years in Denmark with his father.
The mother is concerned about the bad influence in Denmark with regards to food and drinking. She believes, that he at some point would be better off where he is now, living healthier and more stimulated spiritually and intellectually. But then again, she asks herself if she should just let him go and have faith.
And here you have my answer summoned up:
In my opinion it is natural to be worried. So start by recognizing your worry and remind youself, that it is all about love for both you and your son.
You have startet to work with your son years ago, and maybe you are now left with the feeling, that you will not be able to finish your work, as he will be leaving you just before being an adult.
So I would like to remind you, that your boy already has the best mum he could wish for, and you have already given him the best foundation, he could wish for. And as you have been working together for years to reach the goals you have now, it would seem strange if he would want to sabotage all that.
And when I look into the problem, I don’t think the Danish drinking and food culture actually is the problem. I think the answer lies within you and is concerned with fear and lack of trust. So to see if I am on the right track about fear and lack of trust, I would like to invite you to contemplate on the following questions:
- Do your own experiences from your youth interfer with your decision, so in reallity, this is not about him but about you?
- Is there some kind of mother-guilt involved here – “did I do enough” or “did I do well enough”?
- Do you trust your exhusband to be able to fulfill the task with your son on the conditions you dream of?
- Did you make clear arrangements and agreements with your exhusband, if your son is moving in with him?
- What does your son have to say about your concerns?
- Did you make clear arrangements and agreements with your son about him moving to Denmark and live with his father?
It is totally okay to demand agreements if you shall send your son away – not necessarily for his sake or your exhusband’s sake, but for your own sake to be able to be at peace. Stand up for yourself in this situation and take the leadership on being the mum, you have been all along – responsible, caring and in integrity.
You will always worry – it comes with being a mum. Remember, that this is all about you knowing very well, that just because he turns 16 and has to start his next step in life, he is not at all an adult yet. Recognize yourself for that knowledge and for acting on it.
And also know, that when our kids are getting ready to leave the house, we often come in contact with some sort of identity crisis – minor or big. And in your case, he is leaving ahead of time – at least ahead of the timing in you – so, for me, it is very natural that you have a hard time letting him go. It is almost like having this great project that you almost finished, and then your boss comes in and tells you to hand it over to somebody else to finish. Not very pleasant at all!
With these words, I wish you the best of luck with your decision.